We all know there%u2019s a Viru in Virender Sehwag. By this I mean to say if you padded him up and put him on a water tank with Jai, Mausi and gaonwalon below, he%u2019d bat exactly the same way as he does in Ferozshah Kotla, the Kensigton Oval, the nets or Najafgarh.
As his mom (yes he does call her every evening after a game) once famously said: %u201CBaller koi bhi ho%u2026 pittega zaroor.%u201D
Sehwag was born in 1978 %u2014 a little too late to be climbing tankis in Sholay %u2014 but what%u2019s playing out at the moment in the West Indies has too much of a resonance for Dr Cricket to let it pass.
Sehwag is in abysmal form, bent on committing sossait every innings. But he still has the support of Jai (his captain, and the man who was instrumental in picking him in the side for the World Cup).
Jai is, no doubt doing his best to explain to Mausi (the team management/board) that the fellow isn%u2019t a bad sort after all.
While us gaonwalo look on with a mixture of amusement (you%u2019d have to say even a Sehwag duck has entertainment value) and mystification, the following scene, I would imagine, is playing out on a daily basis in the West Indies.
The script is lifted straight out of Sholay %u2014 with only a word or two changed %u2014 because you really cannot say it any better than Salim-Javed.
(If runs were money, then Viru hasn%u2019t been doing too well of late %u2014 the duck in the practice game against the West Indies is part of a continuing pattern of subsistence. In the 2006/7 season, he%u2019s played 14 games at an average of 17.3; his top three high scores in this time, includes a 19)
Mausi: To kya abhi kuchh bhi nahi kamaataa?
Jai: Nahi nahi ye maine kab kahaa mausi, kamaataa hai lekin,... ab roj roj to aadmi jeet nahi sakataa na%u2026.. kabhi haar bhi jaataa hai bechaaraa!
Mausi: Haar jaata hai?
Jay: Haan mausi ab ye kambakht juwaa cheej hi aisi hai ab mai kyaa kahoon?
Mausi: Heynnnn. To kya juwaari hai?
(Somewhat naive of mausi not to realise even after so many years that anybody who throws his bat outside the off stump in the manner that Viru does is a gambler: the odds of getting an edge are the same as Russian roulette every over. Then there was the six to reach 300 against Pakistan that came off %u2014 and the six to reach 200 in Australia that didn%u2019t. But Jai stands stoutly by his friend%u2026)
Jai: Chhi chhi chhi chhi mausi, woh aur juwaari? Na na. Woh to bahot hi achchha aur nek ladka hai. Lekin mausi, ek baar Coke pi li na phir, achchhe bure ka kahaa hosh rahataa hai. Haath pakad ke bitha liyaa kisi ne juwaa khelane. ab isme bechare Veeru ka kya dosh?
(It%u2019s all the distractions%u2026 we knew it)
Mausi: Thik kahate ho beta. juwaari woh Coke pita woh lekin, uska koi dosh nahi.
Jai: Mausi aap to mere dost ko galat samajh rahein hai. Woh to itnaa seedha aur bhola hai. Aare basanti se uski shaadi karke to dekhiye, ye juwe aur Coke ki aadat to do din me chhoot jaayegi.
Mausi: Arre beta, mujh budhiyaa ko samjhaa rahe ho. Ye Coke-Pepsi aur juwe ki aadat kisi ki chhooti hai aaj tak.
(In other words, which Indian batsman has ever kicked the outside-edge habit? No matter how long they%u2019ve been batting, most see the delivery outside the off stump as Miss Jamaica and want to make contact)
We will find out what qualities of restraint this Indian team has developed for this tournament soon enough. But we have to leave Viru out of the pale of this review. He bats no other way. There are a couple of words of advice %u2014 from Sholay, the modern Gita %u2014 that Viru might nevertheless like to keep in mind.
Kutton ke samne naa sahi, par thoda to naach! (i.e. some footwork please %u2014 the basic back and across movement that coach N.A. Sharma taught you as a 13-year-old? And could you bat for half an hour?)
Sossait karna mana hai. Jab Angrez log marte hain usko sossait kehte hain. (It is a crime in
